As some of you may or may not have noticed, I have been rather slack on updating my entry lately. Partly was due to me getting preoccupied and another part is due to something worse,
something I have never ever felt or gone through until recently,
when it happened, I just felt so useless,
there was a feeling of amounting to nothing,
that horrible feeling of believing nothing can get better,
although after explaining what it was may seem trivial, trust me when I read it from others
I used to think its trivial too, but once you actually go through it, unless you're lucky and its mild,
those thoughts can and have ruined lives...
it order to explain it, I'll describe what happened leading to it.
Recently, I got a Mac Book Air and with it came lots of capabilities to expand on any social networking
and social media outlets online, like blogging, or vlogging or music w/e it was, I had tools to do it!
I was super excited and really wanting to do something fun with my mac, so I decided to maybe try out videoing myself singing.
LIKE WHAT ALL THE OTHER AWESOME SINGERS OUT THERE DO! Like totes! lol
I have always loved to sing, and I USED to think I was like super amazing and sounded so awesome, until I recorded myself a few years back and was like dayum, I don't sound that great LOL anyways so I went ahead and wanted to do some tests.
The unimaginable thing happened, when I was recording, be it the way my laptop was on an angle or something but my face, was horribly, ridiculously FAT.
Like I am talking about really rounded chin, a face I have NOT used to and I take photos of myself everyday. I even made one of those GIFS where I purposely take a photo on a horrible angle, then go to a nice one just to show the importance of angles.
But this was different.
The person I saw staring back at me, was someone I cannot love. A face I cannot appreciate, regardless of how I tried to tilt my laptop camera, and the longer I recorded myself the WORST it got.
Added my teeth, although I can say I dont have perfect teeth or the perfect smile, I always use to make the most of it and liked the uniqueness of them.
This time, looking at HOW crooked and HOW slanted and disproportioned they were made me feel so helpless. Like there is honestly, nothing which can fix it.
It came to a point where I couldn't even like or look at my own face without noticing and feeling so horribly UGLY. It's not even the feeling of ugly that a few nice photos and people commenting how nice I look can make me feel better.
It was genuinely horribly and I didnt even think of, until I got out of that horrible down spiral of self loathing, did I see I was actually depressed.
For whatever few short hours it was, I felt real depression. To describe it would be to honestly say I wanted to shut myself in my room and never come out, I never wanted anyone to see me, I never wanted to have my face in public and I never wanted to see my own face.
Thinking back on it now, it is very upsetting to just imagine the entire thing happening to me, or to anyone. Depression honestly isn't something others can get the person out of. I was all alone, even if my bf or family was around me telling me I was beautiful, it wouldn't matter, because to me, at that moment, I was a disappointment to myself, I was ugly. Nothing makeup or even surgery can fix, because the person I was and used to love, I no longer love.
I strongly believe, even if the world hated on us, so long as we love ourselves, we can get through anything. It is when we cannot love ourselves, that no matter if the whole world loves you, it wouldn't matter, not one bit matters.
It really is incredibly difficult to describe depression, as when you're going through you don't feel the downward spiral, except all you have is this ONE TUNNEL, there is no right or left or going backwards, there was only forward, and I was pushed by the negative thoughts towards moving forward, into even more uglier thoughts.
I used to always believe everyone is strong enough to not be in depression or even be depressed because the world is beautiful, which is true, world is beautiful, but when our eyes are covered by a dark cloud, we do not know of this beauty, we can only see the darkness.
That night, I didn't want to talk with anyone and just chose to hide in my room and went straight to sleep. I had work the next day which sort of helped as my line of work requires me to help others with their contract issues, which took the spotlight away from myself.
Even when I got home, I didn't want to see myself and I guess stupid as it sounds, the trigger or the catalyst which got me OUT of my depressive thoughts, was money.
I used money as my catalyst, as it meant, so long as I keep working and I keep earning, I can join a gym! And this is no longer "I will join maybe one day" but the "I WILL JOIN and I will do it, NOW" which I would hope it will fix my weight issues and help me, not to just lose weight, but to get healthy.
Added as long as I work hard and keep earning, I can fix my teeth by wearing braces, I will fix them and will get a smile I will be proud of.
Honestly speaking I can say I am one of the lucky ones, to only have felt a slight depression, when it is happening, the scale of the depression isn't felt, until you are able to look back and see whether it was or was not a big issue. But no matter how big or small, depression is very scary and very destructive.
My advice is, find your own catalyst. It doesn't need to be anything of importance to others, all that matters is, it is important to you. For myself, my drive of wanting to make money and my love of the opportunities money can give bought myself out of it. To others it can be maybe a best friend whose party is next month, so you want to be your very best at their party, or it can be a game you play and you want to keep track of your gaming characters improvements. Whatever it may be, I hope that those out there can find their own catalyst. Depression is helped when you have supportive people, but in order for someone to truly leave depression in the ditch it should be buried in, the person themselves must find the strength. Make a list of all the good things about yourself and weigh it out with whatever depression tells you is your negative, then take a third persons perspective and just compare how worthy you really are. Or if you're like me, sleep it through because depression, to me, cannot reach my dreams.
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| Even the slight color in a world of grey can make a huge difference. |
I guess what I had was a slight depression and then an honest wake up call, whatever it was, I do not appreciate it one bit, not how it made me feel and especially not the actual process.
However I am happy though, that I did make the effort to join a gym! Which I just did today!!
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| Me and my key to a better healthier lifestyle! |
12 month contract, locked in, no turning back!
I will be getting my first lesson next week just an orientation on how the equipments work
and then BAM I will be doing it on my own.
The place is called Anytime Fitness, some may know it as it is operated world wide, best thing is, it is a gym with all the equipments and such, but only difference is, rather than opening for 9-5, it opens, 24/7.
Literally ANYTIME I can rock up and do my thing. So I can avoid all the bad rush hour times and do things at my own leisurely pace, best yet it is located in the same place as my work, so after work I can run into it for 30 mins every day before heading home! I usually am a real solo person, so exercising with a group is not my thing, and I do get uncomfortable when there's lots of other people around. So for a place where I can find my own time and do it when there's like no one, that's perfect for me lol
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| Mmmm My precious |
I cant wait. Already got my sports undies and stuff and leggings for my fat thighs, even runners and such, I am ready! I might even go and test it out tomorrow after work haha I'll see if its busy or not!
Price isn't too bad either but I should leave that to another post, or else this one goes off rail lol
Here are some photos of me today, before and after I went and got the gym membership! When we have a better outlook on life, we look good in any photo :)
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| I do edit my photos like getting rid of excess cheek fat etc. |
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| My today's make up. I love my fake long lashes haha |
All in all, for those who are still going through what I went through, I hope you can find that catalyst which can propel you out of that dark place. It will be hard and that tunnel may be the only way to go, just don't give up!
It was tough to write this up, as my issue in some eyes can seem very very trivial and not worth the time to mention, but to me, it was very real and very scary, for me being able to look back and reflect is an accomplishment I think, kinda like achievement unlocked. I was there, I done it and now I am over it (at least as over as I can be for now)
Exams are coming up and I will probably be trying my best to juggle between near full time work, study and gaming (LOL yes still haven't QUIT, quit yet), I just gotta believe I can do it and if all else fails, there is always tomorrow.
take care and until next time!
xoxo M3 (QiQi)
